10 Things I Hate about You, Shasha

Oh wow, could I have come up with a cheesier title? Well, anyway, that was the film that started one of my very few Hollywood crushes, so I stand by it. But I'm not here to talk about Heath Ledger today, I'm here to wish Shahid Kapoor a very happy 30th birthday! Yes, I know I'm a bit early, but considering the time it will take me to write this letter, to put it in a bottle, the travel time across oceans and seas, getting stuck in customs and having to bribe its way out, by the time it reaches Mumbai it will already be Happy Belated Birthday. So there... I'm already late!

On your 30th birthday, Shahid, since I know you take criticism so well, I want to share with you everything that makes me shake my head in amazement for being your faithful fan for the past few years, despite everything that you have been doing to sabotage your career.

1) I hate your mad chemistry with the camera, because it makes me sit through the cheesiest scenes without rolling my eyes out of my head, in fact, without blinking an eye! And really, you've done quite a few of them lately, despite my warnings that the romantic hero is not where it's at for your career at this point in time. Still, I am one of the very lonely Dil Bole Hadippa fans in this world, all because every time I watch it I am so distracted by your charisma, that I forget to think about the plot. (What plot? Good question!)

2) While we're at it, I really hate your fascination with aviator sunglasses because they hide two of the most expressive eyes in the industry.

3) Right, where was I? Oh yes, hate! I hate the fact that people compare you to SRK, and that Aziz Mirza made you play the role in Kismat Konnection in a very shrukie way that does not suit you.

While we're talking about KiKo, I resent the fact that it was filmed in Toronto back when I never even knew about your existence, not that I would have stalked you, because I'm a lady, but just because I probably would have walked into Abercrombie and Fitch for the first 300 times in my life... to "look around".

That's downtown T.O., yo!

4) I hate that Mausam is taking so long and I can't include it in this post. Bas.

5) I hate you for making brilliant movies like Jab We Met and Kaminey and showing the world just how talented you are, to then get lost again in the treacherous arms of average flicks.

Though in all fairness, I did like what you did with your role in Badmaash Company. And I am one of the few people who totally get why your dancing in Chance pe Dance was mindblowing and why you're so proud of it. Maybe in the future, if you try to not make it look so easy, others will also see how hard you have to work for each second of liquid perfection you deliver when you dance. But that doesn't get you off the hook for choosing average scripts and even more average directors to work with.



6) Which brings me to: I hate Paathshaala. With the burning power of a thousand suns I hate it! It sticks out like a sore thumb in your entire acting career, and where I am always a tireless defender of your performances even in the worst films (yes, even in Dil Maange More, my guilty pleasure), the photoshoot that was Paathshaala can't even qualify as acting. Whatever personal reasons you had for doing the film, there is simply no excuse for bad performance, especially this far into one's career.   

That said, I forgive you for Milenge Milenge because you didn't know any better. And because you and Kareena are still one of my favourite jodis to watch.

7) I hate the fact that you never button up your shirt, no really, I hate it, I'm not kidding. It's not like the world doesn't know you have a sexy body...

...ahem... yes, as I was saying, we know. So honestly, there's no need to show cleavage all the time. Especially with dress shirts, or, in your case, with undress shirts.

Just not cool, yaar, not cool.

By the way, did I ever mention how much I love the copious quantities of the word "yaar" in your speech? Because I really do love it. On top of already loving the way you talk in general, that accent, ayye haye! Oh damn, I was supposed to be hating. Sorry, got carried away there for a sec. Ok, back to hating.

8) I hate that you don't dance enough in most of your movies. Because there is no doubt in my mind that you are the best dancer Bollywood has ever had (yup, Hrithik, I said it!), so it breaks my heart to see so much talent wasted. Couldn't Nagada Nagada have had more dance steps and less cool poses? Couldn't there have been some dance steps in Badmaash Company? To add insult to injury, some of your best dancing was in one of the most hateful films I have ever laid eyes on: Fool'n'Final. Why, why did you make me watch it? I get it, you want to be taken seriously. But it's Bollywood, yaar, being a good dancer is an advantage, not a distraction! Sigh... ok, it's a distraction all right, but in the best way possible!

9) Finally, I hate that you're on twitter. I stopped reading your tweets when I realized a lot of them were just fillers, and don't plan to read them again. Hopefully this fad where everyone feels obligated to be on twitter will go away soon, because some people are just not meant for hourly updates of what they're doing with their lives. And that's ok. It's not a bad thing to have nothing to share with the world one day. And there's no need for filler tweets just to feel like you've done your job. Your job is to make wonderful movies for us, and you do quite well with that. This fan is more than happy with that.

10) But most of all. I hate the fact that I keep going back to the theatres for your movies, good or bad, and that I am more charmed every time. There are so many good actors out there right now, and so many of them are making some pretty smart choices. And yet nothing gets me as jittery and at the same time as happy as the release of one of your movies. So please, please, from now on, make it more good movies than average ones, if for nothing else, for the sake of my dignity as a fangirl.

Yours, hamesha hamesha ke liye,

Dolce

PS: Don't worry guys, Namak is coming up in another post to actually talk about Shahid's films.

Pictures from shahidonline.net.