Hilarious What If's

I get a kick out of imagining what would happen if someone walked into a Bollywood song, but it was happening in real life. Picture this:

1) You're alone in Mumbai, you're a tourist, and your wallet gets stolen at 2 am. What do you do? Personally I'd find the closest Police station to go and report it. That's because I'm not really on Facebook, if I was I would probably post it there first. But anyway, so I'm in front of that police station, I walk in... to find this:


Humka Peeni Hai - Dabangg

Uh... the police officers are all drunk and dancing using rifles as props... Is this the right place? After the first few seconds of amazement, what would you do? Would you join in the dance? Would you pull out your camera (that miraculously didn't get stolen along with your wallet)? Would you walk out? Would you try to get someone's attention to solve your problem? Would you write an article the next day for Bombay Times lamenting the sad state of affairs in today's urban India? If you're anything like me, you'd probably continue to stand until the end of the song tapping your foot to the music and shaking your head in amazement, really wanting to join in the dance but much too shy to. Yeah... my reactions are usually pretty boring, so maybe we'll do the next scenarios without them...


2) Here's another one...
You're in the rented car, traveling to the countryside, patiently waiting in the scorching sun for the train to pass already so you can be on your way. And this comes along:


Chaiyya Chaiyya - Dil Se

WTF: A bunch of people jumping up and down on a train?? Oh wait, there's a hot chick too, and some dude that can't dance, oh he must be the star! It's going slowly enough: should you jump on? Do you get out of the car and start dancing outside until the train goes? Do you call your mother and tell her to get you on the first plane back from this crazy country? Do you snap a picture of Mallaika pulling a Marilyn Monroe and then try to sell it to the newspapers? Do you start running after the train hoping to catch SRK and get an autograph? So many options, such little time, the train is already gone. But if you wait long enough you might see this one passing by:


Aa Ante - Arya

Well, lucky you, these ones even get off the train, and the guy can dance! Good thing you waited!


3) You're in the middle of your wedding cocktail party, have been up since 6 in the morning and running around all day, you're now trying to make sure everyone is well taken care of, that everyone has a drink, that no one is feeling left out, basically doing what everyone does on their wedding day: stressing. And to add to your mild case of hysteria, your event planning company is nowhere to be found. Then all of a sudden:


Ainvayi Ainvayi - Band Baaja Baaraat

What? You're just about losing your mind trying to take care of everyone at the party and they're... dancing??? Ok, granted, they can sing and dance, that's great, but do you fire them? Or do you give them a bonus after the event is done? Do you pull up your skirts to jump in and bust a move? Or do you chase after those two good-for-nothings with the cake knife?


4) You just started your new job with this big company and are very excited to make a good impression. So you're sitting at your desk trying to get through all the paperwork they've given you, while stealing glances at your co-workers to see what they're wearing, what kind of conversations they're having, what their group dynamics are, etc. And just when you're starting to feel a little more comfortable and are about to walk over to the neighbour's desk to start a conversation, this starts:


Mr. Perfect - Arya 2

Is this a joke? Is there a hidden camera? Would it look bad if you got up and joined their ranks? Or do you chicken out and go for a washroom break hoping it will be over by the time you come back?


5) You're so late for school today, damn it, took too long to find all the accessories again! Sure the teachers are used to you being late every day, but today there's a test too. Damn it! This could not get any worse! You finally get in front of the highschool... and are met with this scenery:



Deewana Hain Dekho - Kabhie Khushi Kabhie Gham

Now this is a tough one: on the one hand there's the test you're late for. But on the other hand there are all these people on crack, dancing in front of your school... How many tests will you have to pass in your life, and how many more times will you have the opportunity to witness this type of mass hypnosis? What to choose??


6) You're in a theatre... with the boyfriend. Well, not yet the boyfriend, it's only your second date, but he's cute and he makes you laugh. You're both sitting down and looking forward to giggling about the film, at the intentionally and unintentionally funny parts. Then, just as the movie is getting interesting, these people in front of you start dancing in the song:


Woh Ladki Hai Kahan - Dil Chahta Hai

Uh-oh, they're getting up... Do you whistle them to sit down? Do you start laughing at them instead of the film? After all the film you can see again, but such ridiculousness is once in a lifetime! But drats, everyone else is cheering them on... Uh... No way, no way you're also getting up and flapping your arms about like a chicken! And yet... everyone's doing it... well, might as well!


I know there are many many other songs that would make for a great real life WTF moment, I'm just not thinking of them right now, in fact I'm probably forgetting the best ones! But when I do remember them... I will probably be on the subway, and I'll burst into laughter, and people will stare... Bah... they just don't know how to have fun!

The closest Dolce & Namak will come to reviewing Arya 2

Here's the problem with this Telugu movie starring Allu Arjun, Kajal Aggarwal, Navdeep and Shraddha Das: Dolce is so in love with this movie, that Namak has been silenced by shrill supersonic outbursts of fangirl-ness to the point where she decided: if you can't beat them, join them. Which is great for their relationship, but terrible for this blog because if I can't have a balanced review, I'd rather not have one at all.

To describe the movie briefly would be an injustice, but I suppose it must be done. Arya (Allu Arjun) and Ajay (Navdeep) both grew up in an orphanage as best friends. One day Ajay got adopted by a rich family, but Arya was never far from his life. In fact Arya's idea of friendship is better understood if one thinks of a psychotic stalker and the object of his affection. Enter Geetha (Kajal Aggarwal), a new employee at Ajay's company, who turns into the force that throws everything off balance as both Ajay and Arya fall in love with her. Arya's obsessive affection for Ajay is challenged by his even more obsessive affection for Geetha which simultaneously turns him into a puppy in love and a vigilante for alternatively Geetha and Ajay's happiness. 

This song should tell you all you need to know about Arya's idea of love (and a tiny bit of what you need to know about Allu Arjun's out of this world dancing skills).


But that's not what I was planning to talk about. As I was indulging in an episode of the TV show "House" the other day, it hit me that there must be something that I enjoy about this kind of dysfunctional addiction-based relationship, because Arya and Ajay are practically identical to Wilson and House, who have given me many great moments over the past year of catching up to this show.

Wilson, much like Ajay, fails as the person with the most influence on House (and Arya respectively) simply because he is too weak to actually use his power. House could not live without him, and they both know it, but every time Wilson gets close to playing the leaving for good card, he chickens out. On the other hand House torments him until kingdom come without ever apologizing, as if it were his right to do so, and yet he relies on Wilson more than he relies on his drugs to get him through the day. It sometimes seems as if House is the strong one, but in my opinion, they're both weak and entirely dependent on each other.


Ajay and Arya follow the same pattern: you'd think Ajay wants Arya out of his life for good, and designs some very elaborate plans to reach this goal, but if he really wanted it, he could have done it long back. Meanwhile Arya keeps lying to himself that Ajay needs him, only because he's the one who desperately needs Ajay, his approval, his affection, his attention. It's funny how at first sight it seems that one is clinging to the other (Arya to Ajay and House to Wilson), only to reveal in the end that their symbiotic dysfunctional relationship has them tied together so tight that it's hard to even tell which one is which anymore.

On my cheese rating scale Arya 2 is would be the exquisite cranberry goat cheese. It messes with your head at first, and you won't even know it's cheese until you've had it a few times, but oh the sweet, velvety spiciness of it will not leave your mind for a long time to come. You may even get addicted and crave it like mad. It's ok, if that happens, just indulge in a few songs.