Hilarious What If's

I get a kick out of imagining what would happen if someone walked into a Bollywood song, but it was happening in real life. Picture this:

1) You're alone in Mumbai, you're a tourist, and your wallet gets stolen at 2 am. What do you do? Personally I'd find the closest Police station to go and report it. That's because I'm not really on Facebook, if I was I would probably post it there first. But anyway, so I'm in front of that police station, I walk in... to find this:


Humka Peeni Hai - Dabangg

Uh... the police officers are all drunk and dancing using rifles as props... Is this the right place? After the first few seconds of amazement, what would you do? Would you join in the dance? Would you pull out your camera (that miraculously didn't get stolen along with your wallet)? Would you walk out? Would you try to get someone's attention to solve your problem? Would you write an article the next day for Bombay Times lamenting the sad state of affairs in today's urban India? If you're anything like me, you'd probably continue to stand until the end of the song tapping your foot to the music and shaking your head in amazement, really wanting to join in the dance but much too shy to. Yeah... my reactions are usually pretty boring, so maybe we'll do the next scenarios without them...


2) Here's another one...
You're in the rented car, traveling to the countryside, patiently waiting in the scorching sun for the train to pass already so you can be on your way. And this comes along:


Chaiyya Chaiyya - Dil Se

WTF: A bunch of people jumping up and down on a train?? Oh wait, there's a hot chick too, and some dude that can't dance, oh he must be the star! It's going slowly enough: should you jump on? Do you get out of the car and start dancing outside until the train goes? Do you call your mother and tell her to get you on the first plane back from this crazy country? Do you snap a picture of Mallaika pulling a Marilyn Monroe and then try to sell it to the newspapers? Do you start running after the train hoping to catch SRK and get an autograph? So many options, such little time, the train is already gone. But if you wait long enough you might see this one passing by:


Aa Ante - Arya

Well, lucky you, these ones even get off the train, and the guy can dance! Good thing you waited!


3) You're in the middle of your wedding cocktail party, have been up since 6 in the morning and running around all day, you're now trying to make sure everyone is well taken care of, that everyone has a drink, that no one is feeling left out, basically doing what everyone does on their wedding day: stressing. And to add to your mild case of hysteria, your event planning company is nowhere to be found. Then all of a sudden:


Ainvayi Ainvayi - Band Baaja Baaraat

What? You're just about losing your mind trying to take care of everyone at the party and they're... dancing??? Ok, granted, they can sing and dance, that's great, but do you fire them? Or do you give them a bonus after the event is done? Do you pull up your skirts to jump in and bust a move? Or do you chase after those two good-for-nothings with the cake knife?


4) You just started your new job with this big company and are very excited to make a good impression. So you're sitting at your desk trying to get through all the paperwork they've given you, while stealing glances at your co-workers to see what they're wearing, what kind of conversations they're having, what their group dynamics are, etc. And just when you're starting to feel a little more comfortable and are about to walk over to the neighbour's desk to start a conversation, this starts:


Mr. Perfect - Arya 2

Is this a joke? Is there a hidden camera? Would it look bad if you got up and joined their ranks? Or do you chicken out and go for a washroom break hoping it will be over by the time you come back?


5) You're so late for school today, damn it, took too long to find all the accessories again! Sure the teachers are used to you being late every day, but today there's a test too. Damn it! This could not get any worse! You finally get in front of the highschool... and are met with this scenery:



Deewana Hain Dekho - Kabhie Khushi Kabhie Gham

Now this is a tough one: on the one hand there's the test you're late for. But on the other hand there are all these people on crack, dancing in front of your school... How many tests will you have to pass in your life, and how many more times will you have the opportunity to witness this type of mass hypnosis? What to choose??


6) You're in a theatre... with the boyfriend. Well, not yet the boyfriend, it's only your second date, but he's cute and he makes you laugh. You're both sitting down and looking forward to giggling about the film, at the intentionally and unintentionally funny parts. Then, just as the movie is getting interesting, these people in front of you start dancing in the song:


Woh Ladki Hai Kahan - Dil Chahta Hai

Uh-oh, they're getting up... Do you whistle them to sit down? Do you start laughing at them instead of the film? After all the film you can see again, but such ridiculousness is once in a lifetime! But drats, everyone else is cheering them on... Uh... No way, no way you're also getting up and flapping your arms about like a chicken! And yet... everyone's doing it... well, might as well!


I know there are many many other songs that would make for a great real life WTF moment, I'm just not thinking of them right now, in fact I'm probably forgetting the best ones! But when I do remember them... I will probably be on the subway, and I'll burst into laughter, and people will stare... Bah... they just don't know how to have fun!

Stalker Movies - All Michael Jackson's Fault!!

For anyone who doesn't know, because of course the world needs to know this, I've been on a Michael Jackson kick lately (primarily for his dancing, but also revisiting his music and finding new favourites). Since I know it could be months before I manage to create the post I have in mind illustrating how his influence is still to be found even today, alive and well, albeit very stylized, in the most modern forms of filmi dancing across the Indian film industries, I have to settle for a different post for the time being. But that doesn't mean this one doesn't also hold a special place in my heart.

India's adoration for Michael, that penetrated film industries from the North to the South, just may have finally given me an answer to the tantalizing question: what is it about these stalker movies that makes them so appealing to directors, actors and audiences alike. You know, movies like Deewana Mujhsa Nahin, Arya (and to a lesser extent a few other of Allu Arjun's movies, why, Arjun, why???), Fida (thank God for the twist in this one!), and this is just what I've watched because they were starring actors that I will watch in absolutely anything, no matter how bad. (No links provided as I would advise anyone to stay far away from these movies, so I have no intention of promoting them on this blog.) There's also Dil Se (which has other merits, so I found enough reasons to love it nonetheless) and a few Shah Rukh movies that so far I have successfully avoided, and I'm sure many others that will never come anywhere near my DVD player. This theme was all the rage circa late 80s - early 90s in Indian movies.

Make no mistake, we're not talking the horror movie type of stalking, or the emotionally unstable type of stalking. No, we're talking about movies where the great guy with a heart of gold falls madly in love with great girl, but she just can't seem to see that she also loves him (but of course! How can she not love him? What's knowing someone before you love them in this day and age anyways? Isn't a man who obsesses over you the most worthy of your affection? Duh!). So she gets pursued and emotionally blackmailed in the most creative ways, until she finally realizes that she loved him all along, usually after some drama where he almost gives his life for her.

What on earth is it, I would wonder, that makes people think this is sexy, attractive or even acceptable? And while I still don't have the answer to that one, I finally found someone to blame it all on when I was watching the video to Michael Jackson's "The Way You Make Me Feel" (off the album "Bad" - 1987).

Here are the lyrics:

Hey pretty baby with the high heels on

You give me fever like I've never, ever known

You're just a product of loveliness

I like the groove of your walk,

Your talk, your dress

I feel your fever from miles around

I'll pick you up in my car and we'll paint the town

Just kiss me baby and tell me twice

That you're the one for me

The way you make me feel

You really turn me on

You knock me off of my feet

My lonely days are gone

I like the feelin' you're givin' me

Just hold me baby and I'm in ecstasy

Oh I'll be workin' from nine to five

To buy you things to keep you by my side

I never felt so in love before

Just promise baby, you'll love me forevermore

I swear I'm keepin' you satisfied

'Cause you're the one for me

....

A pretty cool love song you'd say, right? Ok, except for the part where he feels that in order to keep her by his side he has to buy her things, but whatever, what do I care how Michael keeps his loved ones close. But other than that, I wouldn't mind having this song dedicated to me by my boyfriend.

The problem is, once we get to watch the video, we realize that he's not her boyfriend. Moreover, she's a girl walking alone late at night (and wearing waaay too short a skirt for that kind of neighbourhood, as much as I am all for short skirts, but let's not get distracted by these details), who all of a sudden has Michael and a bunch of hoodlums all over her. And, outrage of outrages, at the end of the song, much like the Indian film heroines, she gets with him!!



And for some reason, as I was watching this I found myself thinking: can't blame her! If I had a guy dancing like Michael after me I'd probably be inclined to give him the time of day too! And that's when it hit me! That must be what all those actors, directors and scriptwriters were thinking too: if it works for Michael, why would it not work for a hero? They can dance (some of them anyway), they can lip sync to some soulful passionate lyrics, they have the looks (most of them anyway), yes, there's no reason why it wouldn't work! Ahem... Except... what looks good in a flirty 5 minute video with not much talking, gets completely ruined for me in a movie where they attempt to attach concepts like eternal love, passion, soulmates and, get this, gratefulness to this type of "relationship". So no, what works for Michael, definitely does not work for everyone else. Sorry Aamir, Shahid and Arjun...

But you know what, that's ok, because now it doesn't puzzle me anymore, from now on I can blame it all on the Michael Jackson craze! And while this could turn into a debate about the chicken and the egg (or not even, because surely the two have less in common than I like to think) I am too fascinated by the similarities to subject it to too much scrutiny. That's my theory and I'm sticking to it.

God I love that song!...