Hilarious What If's

I get a kick out of imagining what would happen if someone walked into a Bollywood song, but it was happening in real life. Picture this:

1) You're alone in Mumbai, you're a tourist, and your wallet gets stolen at 2 am. What do you do? Personally I'd find the closest Police station to go and report it. That's because I'm not really on Facebook, if I was I would probably post it there first. But anyway, so I'm in front of that police station, I walk in... to find this:


Humka Peeni Hai - Dabangg

Uh... the police officers are all drunk and dancing using rifles as props... Is this the right place? After the first few seconds of amazement, what would you do? Would you join in the dance? Would you pull out your camera (that miraculously didn't get stolen along with your wallet)? Would you walk out? Would you try to get someone's attention to solve your problem? Would you write an article the next day for Bombay Times lamenting the sad state of affairs in today's urban India? If you're anything like me, you'd probably continue to stand until the end of the song tapping your foot to the music and shaking your head in amazement, really wanting to join in the dance but much too shy to. Yeah... my reactions are usually pretty boring, so maybe we'll do the next scenarios without them...


2) Here's another one...
You're in the rented car, traveling to the countryside, patiently waiting in the scorching sun for the train to pass already so you can be on your way. And this comes along:


Chaiyya Chaiyya - Dil Se

WTF: A bunch of people jumping up and down on a train?? Oh wait, there's a hot chick too, and some dude that can't dance, oh he must be the star! It's going slowly enough: should you jump on? Do you get out of the car and start dancing outside until the train goes? Do you call your mother and tell her to get you on the first plane back from this crazy country? Do you snap a picture of Mallaika pulling a Marilyn Monroe and then try to sell it to the newspapers? Do you start running after the train hoping to catch SRK and get an autograph? So many options, such little time, the train is already gone. But if you wait long enough you might see this one passing by:


Aa Ante - Arya

Well, lucky you, these ones even get off the train, and the guy can dance! Good thing you waited!


3) You're in the middle of your wedding cocktail party, have been up since 6 in the morning and running around all day, you're now trying to make sure everyone is well taken care of, that everyone has a drink, that no one is feeling left out, basically doing what everyone does on their wedding day: stressing. And to add to your mild case of hysteria, your event planning company is nowhere to be found. Then all of a sudden:


Ainvayi Ainvayi - Band Baaja Baaraat

What? You're just about losing your mind trying to take care of everyone at the party and they're... dancing??? Ok, granted, they can sing and dance, that's great, but do you fire them? Or do you give them a bonus after the event is done? Do you pull up your skirts to jump in and bust a move? Or do you chase after those two good-for-nothings with the cake knife?


4) You just started your new job with this big company and are very excited to make a good impression. So you're sitting at your desk trying to get through all the paperwork they've given you, while stealing glances at your co-workers to see what they're wearing, what kind of conversations they're having, what their group dynamics are, etc. And just when you're starting to feel a little more comfortable and are about to walk over to the neighbour's desk to start a conversation, this starts:


Mr. Perfect - Arya 2

Is this a joke? Is there a hidden camera? Would it look bad if you got up and joined their ranks? Or do you chicken out and go for a washroom break hoping it will be over by the time you come back?


5) You're so late for school today, damn it, took too long to find all the accessories again! Sure the teachers are used to you being late every day, but today there's a test too. Damn it! This could not get any worse! You finally get in front of the highschool... and are met with this scenery:



Deewana Hain Dekho - Kabhie Khushi Kabhie Gham

Now this is a tough one: on the one hand there's the test you're late for. But on the other hand there are all these people on crack, dancing in front of your school... How many tests will you have to pass in your life, and how many more times will you have the opportunity to witness this type of mass hypnosis? What to choose??


6) You're in a theatre... with the boyfriend. Well, not yet the boyfriend, it's only your second date, but he's cute and he makes you laugh. You're both sitting down and looking forward to giggling about the film, at the intentionally and unintentionally funny parts. Then, just as the movie is getting interesting, these people in front of you start dancing in the song:


Woh Ladki Hai Kahan - Dil Chahta Hai

Uh-oh, they're getting up... Do you whistle them to sit down? Do you start laughing at them instead of the film? After all the film you can see again, but such ridiculousness is once in a lifetime! But drats, everyone else is cheering them on... Uh... No way, no way you're also getting up and flapping your arms about like a chicken! And yet... everyone's doing it... well, might as well!


I know there are many many other songs that would make for a great real life WTF moment, I'm just not thinking of them right now, in fact I'm probably forgetting the best ones! But when I do remember them... I will probably be on the subway, and I'll burst into laughter, and people will stare... Bah... they just don't know how to have fun!

Band Baaja Baaraat and other fluff

It seems that whenever I write about Bollywood around here, it ends up being about serious, artsy films. Which makes sense since they are pretty much my favourite genre. But Bollywood is also all about crowd-pleasing, and lest I give the impression I am that hard to please (even though I am), perhaps it's time to talk about one of the fluff-balls too, for a change, and postpone my review of Traffic Signal for another less snowy day.

First of all, thank you Jyothi, Swati and everyone else who was on my case about watching Band Baaja Baarat! I had high expectations for it, and surprisingly it didn't fail me.

Bollywood seems to make only one perfect ball of glittery fluff every year, at least for my tastes. In 2007 it was Salaam-e-Ishq. In 2008 it was Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi. 2009 gave me Dil Bole Hadippa. And now Band Baaja Baarat in 2010. Hm... most of them Yash Raj Films. Honourable mention to Ajab Prem Ki Ghazab Kahani, but since it doesn't tick all the boxes, I'll leave it out for now. Why am I not including other rom-coms like Jab We Met Wake Up Sid and Love Aaj Kal? Because for me there is a huge difference between a good rom-com and a ball of fluff, even though I truly appreciate both. A ball of fluff will give me great colours, fun songs, good looking people in the lead, one (or several) very improbable love stories, and not much else. But the "not much else" is completely irrelevant because a successful ball of fluff will make me grin happily from ear to ear for no good reason at all. Will I think about the characters or analyse the situations to catch the more subtle meanings of the events? Nope. Will I rave about the eloquence or sharpness of the script? Nope. Am I meant to? Nope. Good, then everyone is happy!

So what does it take to create the perfect glittery ball of fluff? By the way, someone elbow me when you get tired of this expression, because I have plenty of other metaphors I can use, though I am trying really hard to stay away from words like cotton-candy, bubble-gum and other pink objects typically used to describe this type of film.

But back to the original question: What does it take? Surprisingly, all it takes is some basic science!

Newton's Prism

First of all it takes at least two good looking actors who look great in traditional clothes. Not just traditional clothes, like in Jab We Met, but in the kind of clothes that would make the rainbow hide in shame! The more colourful the better. No respectable fluff ball will ever roll without its unique gang of fashion designers and set designers that can mix hot pink, bright yellow, shaadi red, satin baby blue and every other shade of the spectrum in its brightest form and still make it look good. Proof:

Obviously the more "Yash Raj Films" we have in the mix, the brighter the colours become. Yash Raj is like Newton's prism: whatever comes in is dull and colourless, and out it comes as a rainbow!

Auditory Cortex Stimulents

I find all the studies about what makes a song catchy fascinating, and this type of research seems to be in its infancy, but Bollywood nails it so well that they must have gotten a head start in it. A good beat, plenty of repetition, easy lyrics to sing along to, and there you have it! Every fluff ball movie has at least one song that will outlast all your braincells: Saiyyan Re, Salaam-e-Ishq, Haule Haule, Dil Bole Hadippa, Diskowale Kisko, and now Ainvayi Ainvayi:



Puppies

Well, not really puppies per se, but moments that feel like you're looking a picture of cute puppies playing with each other. I think I read a study at one point about why women are more inclined to be attracted to soft squishy stuff, but I promptly forgot it. I do know for sure that there is a science to that too, and these kinds of movies speak to exactly the same areas of the brain as white kittens, big eyed stuffed animals and, I guess for some people, human babies. We're not supposed to think about the selfishness of one character or about how plausible the future of another one is, and how could we when they stare at us with those sweet smiles, beautiful eyes and their hearts glued to the screen! A proper fluff-ball has to activate our hearts and deactivate our brains as efficiently as a picture of cute puppies, or else, it will not work. Because once we get down to actually thinking about the situations and the characters... but no, I won't do it. Why ruin some perfectly satisfying films for myself!

Come on, use your brain, I dare you!

But really what it all comes down to : Fluff!! Loads and loads, truckloads full of fluff!

What do I call fluff? Well pretty much everything that doesn't add anything to the story but distracts you in such a way that you would never want to do without it: busy sets, bubbly friends, payal sounds, crowds of people, improbable but funny situations, in short a party-like atmosphere. You know which parties I'm talking about: the ones where you spend all night chatting and the next day you only remember having had a great time, but none of the actual conversations. Or does that only happen to me? At any rate, Band Baaja Baarat, Dil Bole Hadippa and the like are exactly like one of these parties to me: no lasting substance but a great feeling at the end, and for sure I could not do without them in my life!

A good story too, you say? Nah... a decently told classic story is more than enough. Not like I'll be talking about the plot when I try to sell the movie to my friends, it is after all... another love story: hate each other, love each other, too proud to do something, too in love to do something else, tears, smiles, flirt, fights... a love story, enough said.

Still smiling when I think about Band Baaja Baarat, by the way!...
Now who will get this title song out of my head, please? I've been singing it all day, I think my neighbours are considering selling their place or at least selling their ear drums!