10 Things I Hate about You, Shasha

Oh wow, could I have come up with a cheesier title? Well, anyway, that was the film that started one of my very few Hollywood crushes, so I stand by it. But I'm not here to talk about Heath Ledger today, I'm here to wish Shahid Kapoor a very happy 30th birthday! Yes, I know I'm a bit early, but considering the time it will take me to write this letter, to put it in a bottle, the travel time across oceans and seas, getting stuck in customs and having to bribe its way out, by the time it reaches Mumbai it will already be Happy Belated Birthday. So there... I'm already late!

On your 30th birthday, Shahid, since I know you take criticism so well, I want to share with you everything that makes me shake my head in amazement for being your faithful fan for the past few years, despite everything that you have been doing to sabotage your career.

1) I hate your mad chemistry with the camera, because it makes me sit through the cheesiest scenes without rolling my eyes out of my head, in fact, without blinking an eye! And really, you've done quite a few of them lately, despite my warnings that the romantic hero is not where it's at for your career at this point in time. Still, I am one of the very lonely Dil Bole Hadippa fans in this world, all because every time I watch it I am so distracted by your charisma, that I forget to think about the plot. (What plot? Good question!)

2) While we're at it, I really hate your fascination with aviator sunglasses because they hide two of the most expressive eyes in the industry.

3) Right, where was I? Oh yes, hate! I hate the fact that people compare you to SRK, and that Aziz Mirza made you play the role in Kismat Konnection in a very shrukie way that does not suit you.

While we're talking about KiKo, I resent the fact that it was filmed in Toronto back when I never even knew about your existence, not that I would have stalked you, because I'm a lady, but just because I probably would have walked into Abercrombie and Fitch for the first 300 times in my life... to "look around".

That's downtown T.O., yo!

4) I hate that Mausam is taking so long and I can't include it in this post. Bas.

5) I hate you for making brilliant movies like Jab We Met and Kaminey and showing the world just how talented you are, to then get lost again in the treacherous arms of average flicks.

Though in all fairness, I did like what you did with your role in Badmaash Company. And I am one of the few people who totally get why your dancing in Chance pe Dance was mindblowing and why you're so proud of it. Maybe in the future, if you try to not make it look so easy, others will also see how hard you have to work for each second of liquid perfection you deliver when you dance. But that doesn't get you off the hook for choosing average scripts and even more average directors to work with.



6) Which brings me to: I hate Paathshaala. With the burning power of a thousand suns I hate it! It sticks out like a sore thumb in your entire acting career, and where I am always a tireless defender of your performances even in the worst films (yes, even in Dil Maange More, my guilty pleasure), the photoshoot that was Paathshaala can't even qualify as acting. Whatever personal reasons you had for doing the film, there is simply no excuse for bad performance, especially this far into one's career.   

That said, I forgive you for Milenge Milenge because you didn't know any better. And because you and Kareena are still one of my favourite jodis to watch.

7) I hate the fact that you never button up your shirt, no really, I hate it, I'm not kidding. It's not like the world doesn't know you have a sexy body...

...ahem... yes, as I was saying, we know. So honestly, there's no need to show cleavage all the time. Especially with dress shirts, or, in your case, with undress shirts.

Just not cool, yaar, not cool.

By the way, did I ever mention how much I love the copious quantities of the word "yaar" in your speech? Because I really do love it. On top of already loving the way you talk in general, that accent, ayye haye! Oh damn, I was supposed to be hating. Sorry, got carried away there for a sec. Ok, back to hating.

8) I hate that you don't dance enough in most of your movies. Because there is no doubt in my mind that you are the best dancer Bollywood has ever had (yup, Hrithik, I said it!), so it breaks my heart to see so much talent wasted. Couldn't Nagada Nagada have had more dance steps and less cool poses? Couldn't there have been some dance steps in Badmaash Company? To add insult to injury, some of your best dancing was in one of the most hateful films I have ever laid eyes on: Fool'n'Final. Why, why did you make me watch it? I get it, you want to be taken seriously. But it's Bollywood, yaar, being a good dancer is an advantage, not a distraction! Sigh... ok, it's a distraction all right, but in the best way possible!

9) Finally, I hate that you're on twitter. I stopped reading your tweets when I realized a lot of them were just fillers, and don't plan to read them again. Hopefully this fad where everyone feels obligated to be on twitter will go away soon, because some people are just not meant for hourly updates of what they're doing with their lives. And that's ok. It's not a bad thing to have nothing to share with the world one day. And there's no need for filler tweets just to feel like you've done your job. Your job is to make wonderful movies for us, and you do quite well with that. This fan is more than happy with that.

10) But most of all. I hate the fact that I keep going back to the theatres for your movies, good or bad, and that I am more charmed every time. There are so many good actors out there right now, and so many of them are making some pretty smart choices. And yet nothing gets me as jittery and at the same time as happy as the release of one of your movies. So please, please, from now on, make it more good movies than average ones, if for nothing else, for the sake of my dignity as a fangirl.

Yours, hamesha hamesha ke liye,

Dolce

PS: Don't worry guys, Namak is coming up in another post to actually talk about Shahid's films.

Pictures from shahidonline.net.

Varudu & Vivah - To Arrange or... To Arrange

The topic of arranged marriages... much debated and much hated in Indian movies of the past decade. And yet here are two movies, one from Bollywood (Vivah starring Shahid Kapoor and Amrita Rao), and one from Tollywood (Varudu starring Allu Arjun, Arya and Bhanu Mehra) that try to show us all the reasons why arranged marriages are not to be dismissed as traditional crap. Or do they?

First of all it's interesting to note that neither of these movies actually deals with the arranged marriage per se, but rather with the arranging part and then the love at first sight between the girl and the boy getting married. So the issue of love after marriage never comes up, except in conversation, and it's replaced by love just before (or during) the wedding ceremony. Ironically enough, a movie like Arya 2 makes a stronger case for love coming after "marriage" through a couple of well placed blink-and-you'll-miss-it dialogues between Arya and the bride's grandmother. But I digress...

Exhibit Number 1 for love at first sight, during their first meeting:


And Exhibit Number 2, during the wedding ceremony (the whole song is worth a watch, but what interests us starts around the 7:00 mark):


The second fascinating observation for me is that Varudu was the first official flop in Arjun's career, while Vivah was the first big hit (and a much needed one) in Shahid's career after his debut. And as per usual, I fail to understand the audiences that made this happen because I loved Varudu and hated Vivah. Despite being a huge fan of both lead actors. In fact I have to apologize in advance as I confess: I have not watched Vivah in a while, so there may be slight inaccuracies in my review, my memory is not what it used to be...

So... the plot. Since it's very similar, I'll go over it quickly for both movies, as I'm more interested in getting to the part where I figure out why one rocked my world and the other one bored me to tears. Young and eligible cool city dude is asked by the parents (or the one parent in Vivah) to think about marriage. In Vivah the bride has already been found, in Varudu cool city dude asks to be found one as he is incapable of finding one himself (even with women throwing themselves at him like rice at a married couple from the very first scene).

Dolce: That's a bit harsh, don't you think?

Namak: I know, but remember we know a couple of people in real life who have reached the same conclusion and have turned to their parents to find someone for them, so maybe not so far fetched after all.

Right, back to the plot. In the middle of the wedding joy/ right after the wedding, something happens with the bride. And I won't reveal what, suffice to say it is a life altering experience that puts everything in balance, and that will be the true test of the groom's short lived but hopefully strong enough love.

So with a premise so similar, what makes these two movies so different? What makes one a flop and the other a success? Charming leads, nice chemistry, wonderful costumes, what gives?

Dolce: Well, for starters, there's no dancing in Vivah.

Namak: Sure, that's true, but there's no dancing in many Hindi movies these days and I still like some of them. Granted the songs in Varudu are pretty spectacular so it automatically gets points just for that. But what else?

Dolce: Um... the leading lady is boring and has no personality.

Namak: Well, she is boring, I agree, but we don't see much of the stronger lady in Varudu either, so that can't be it.

Dolce: Oh, oh, I know, I know! Vivah didn't have Arya!

Namak: Aha, you may be on to something there!

One of the greatest things about Varudu is that it has a wonderfully over the top villain. In fact so great that he could easily be on the list of Top 5 Villains of 2010.
Take a look and tell me: can a villain be more badass than this?


Really, can the jealous auntie from Vivah even compete with this on the entertainment level?

But it's not just the villain. It's also the way the story is paced. Vivah has people sitting around the table and talking for a good 70% of the time. Another 40% is the soon to be bride and groom batting eyelashes at each other. The 10% that is the difference is time when both the talking and the gazing are happening.
In the same amount of time time, Varudu has 5 and a half fights and 4 songs while still managing to get the people around the proverbial tables to do their talking. Granted, it gets stingy on the coy glances, but makes up for it with an oddly placed but still very enjoyable kissing scene. Efficiency, I tell you, efficiency!

Actually, one of the few coy glances is well worth the wait.

Namak: Now before you get all mushy on me, don't forget the CGI!

Dolce: Ah yes, the crazy fake CGI. Loved it! But, to be fair, I also enjoyed the sets in Vivah quite a bit.

Namak: It's ok, Vivah made up for the realism of the sets by having a ridiculously implausible plot twist.

Indeed, there's that too! A movie like Varudu can pull off a series of crazy plot twists (or plot holes, if you prefer) because it goes with the rest of the wacky mood of a film that makes it clear it doesn't take itself too seriously. Vivah on the other hand spends the first hour or so building this realistic scenario, to then ridicule it by inserting an intelligence insulting plot twist. And that just doesn't fly.

Namak: Ok, stop just for a second here. I think we're making it sound like Varudu is a great movie and Vivah is not even worth the roll that it was recorded on.

Dolce: Yup. And?...

Namak: Well, that's not exactly true. Varudu has plenty of issues too, and Vivah has its share of nice moments.

Dolce: Whatever. One is fun the other is not, that's all that matters.

Right... I suppose that is what it comes down to: Varudu is a fun ride, if not always smooth or logical. Vivah for all the oodles of charm of Shahid and Amrita holding hands, misses on the fun front. Big time.

Do they both also make some interesting social commentaries and some excellent points about the institution of marriage? Yes, they do. But if I can't keep my eyes open long enough to get to them while watching Vivah, then that's a waste of a movie in my book.

Vivah and Varudu are like Havarti cheese. The regular no-name kind is about as boring as chewing on a mouthful of air. The spicy version on the other hand, infused with with some yummy herbs and hot peppers has the much needed oomph to make it into my shopping bag every once in a while.

"Badmaash Company" Review

I suppose this is a good movie to start the blog reviews section, since I am a huge Shahid Kapoor fan. It also seems like an excellent intro for Dolce and Namak because this is one of those typical situations where I am torn on my opinion about the film and everything in it.

Toronto.com provides this presentation for the movie which I find decent:
"Life in the 1990's was remarkably different for the average Indian. Consumerism had not set in. It was devoid of most of the luxuries of the West. In fact everything "imported" was good, and everything Indian, passé. "Badmaash Company"is an extraordinary story set in the 1990s in middle class Bombay of four ordinary youngsters - Karan (Shahid Kapoor), Bulbul (Anushka Sharma), Zing (Meiyang Chang), and Chandu (Vir Das) - who came together to start an import business of things longed for by yuppie Indians!"

Right from the beginning, our two girls started arguing in my head and did not let up until long after the movie had ended.

Namak: Nice, I like the voiceover. Smart of them to do an intro to explain what the times were like. I wouldn't have known that about India.

Dolce:  Hm... Sure, it's nice, but why was it necessary? 1994 was not that long ago. Surely people would either remember or know stories about those years. Don't tell me this movie is meant to woo foreign audiences!

Dolce was right. Not only is it meant for them, but it is also done very Hollywood for my tastes. Dolce ended up missing her Bollywood deeply during this one. Already the big dance numbers are few and far between (and none here), lip syncing to great songs is going extinct (and this movie confirms it) and the Indian glitz and glitter is wearing dull (in fact, there's none of it in this particular movie), but now we've lost even the not-so-great features that make Bollywood... Bollywood! Such as the big emotional scenes, the big impractical love stories, the big family drama that transcends time and space... Nope, none of that left here.

Namak: Hey, I didn't miss that at all! In fact I was grateful that after the big teary scene between Karan and Bulbul, there wasn't another one with his dad!

Dolce: But even the big teary scene you mentioned had Hollywood style dialogues! (Though admittedly I did like the proposal dialogue)

Namak: Well, maybe that's how people talk now. Are we going to try to stop globalization to rescue Bollywood?

Dolce: No, but it's a shame that they're trying so hard to be on this side of the Atlantic...

Namak: It's ok, I felt there was plenty Bollywoodness in the Bleeding Madras plot twist. I mean, talk about getting filmi!

This goes on for a while. They do manage to agree that the first two cons were rather brilliant and cleverly presented. In the meantime the movie has moved to the US where it attempts a housing bubble based stunt, and once again Dolce and Namak surprisingly agree: this one was lame! I suppose research about how one obtains a loan in the US and the basic conditions that have to be met (such as a credit history) was an afterthought rudely dismissed by the producers.

On the final scheme put together by the four friends, they disagree again:


Namak: This is the worst! I know people are gullible and a good tagline can make them do almost anything, but still: a celebrity endorsement and marketing can't possibly make a defective product successful. (And as she's saying that, Namak realizes that she may have a little too much faith in people's critical judgment. Luckily, she doesn't get called on this statement.)

Dolce: I enjoyed the last scheme the most! It was so deliciously over the top that I appreciated it for what it was: filmi ridiculousness! 

By the end of the movie, I did see why Shahid took on this role (or at least that's what I choose to believe, instead of believing he's become a Yash Raj sl*t). It was the negative side of the character. Karan spends more than half the movie being despicable and essentially a jerk. Shahid wanted to see if he could pull it off. He did. I'll admit that he could even sell me a bikini in Alaska, but that's one point where he has so far never let me down: good acting. I know he'll always deliver it, so I'm on board with his characters no matter what they do.


I guess the biggest problem with this film is that you already know how it will end. Come on, we've all seen Catch Me if You Can! But it's enjoyable nonetheless, as soon as you start taking it for what it really is: a mass entertainer that has had its Bollywood-ness surgically removed, and its Indian-ness photoshopped.




Badmaash Company for me was like Oka cheese. It sounds like a great imported delicacy but when you read the label you realize it's made right here in Canada and there is nothing exotic about it. Decent cheese, sure, just not very exciting.